I Just Don’t Know

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Oftentimes, decisions are not easy to make. However, for those of us who struggle with anxiety, decisions or opportunities that seem like they should be easy to make or go for, oftentimes seem extremely hard for us. For example, take going to church. I used to go all the time when I was younger. However, I first stopped going after an incident happened. I still struggled with anxiety when the “incident” happened, but I had found a way to go to church and feel comfortable. However, the priest at the time that was there, was quite rude and after he said something to my mom and I that was less than kind, I stopped going.

By the time I started going to church again, my anxiety had become worse. This wasn’t due to the incident, however, but rather because my anxiety had just worsened over time in general. Because of this, I haven’t gone to church in a while. I think the whole thing makes me anxious for a lot of reasons. For one thing, while I hate to say this, church isn’t always the most exciting thing. I have tried to pay attention in the past so that I could keep my mind off of my anxiety and well, be a good Catholic, but it wasn’t always easy. Also, while I don’t have a huge problem with crowds in general, being anxious and being around a lot of people isn’t always easy.

Another issue I have with going to church is that if you have to leave, that’s not always easy. Even if you get an end seat, you feel like you’re causing a distraction (for the record that’s kind of what the “incident” had to do with). Lastly, while I love her, my mom isn’t very patient when it comes to my anxiety and she’s the one that would be taking me to church. If I got anxious and wanted to go home, I don’t think that would go over well.

Why am I bringing all of this up? My mom asked me today if I’d like to try to start going back to church. To be honest, a part of me wouldn’t mind trying. Not only is this because I don’t exactly hate church, but also because it would help me practice facing my anxiety. However, a part of me feels extremely anxious to try to go back to church.

My mom told me that the church now has chairs that I’d feel more comfortable sitting in, but there are still a lot of factors that cause me to worry about possibly going again. I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions or has experienced something like this, please feel free to let me know!