What Really Matters

Hey everybody! I hope you’re all doing well. Today I’d like to talk about something that I often experience that can be very difficult for me.

First and foremost, let me preface by saying that I have, and am continuing to make, a lot of progress. I know this for a fact and am quite proud of myself. However, I still have moments when I experience panic attacks and become extremely anxious.

Yesterday was one of those times. I went to visit my grandma with my mom. I have been to the place where my grandma lives before, but never have I gone inside. This time I did though. I held onto my mom as we walked in the parking lot and up to my grandma’s room. I sat down occasionally in chairs, but did very well. However, when we entered my grandma’s room, the chair nearest the door was occupied by my aunt and I couldn’t make it to the other side of the room. Therefore, I sat on the floor. My aunt got up from the chair for me, but when I tried to stand, I was too shaky and weak to even make it the foot to the chair.

I hated this. I hated that my aunt, cousin, and grandma all saw me struggling like this. I’m even upset that my mom saw me like this, though she knows I’ve been making progress. I love her, but I know she still judges me when I get extremely anxious in front of others and in general.

In some ways, I’d like to be one of those people who don’t care what others think. I’d like to say to myself, “Even if these people happen to be judging me, I know I’ve been making progress and it doesn’t matter what they think”. The truth is though, that I do care. I don’t like the fact that it seems that many times when my relatives see me, they see that I’m struggling so much.

My dad said something important this morning – something I know is true. My other relatives don’t see me a lot. They don’t see all the progress I’ve made like my immediate family does, like I do. Still, while I know this, I don’t like that when the rest of my family do see me, they sometimes see the anxious side of me. I don’t like the idea of them not realizing just how much better I’m doing.

Don’t get me wrong – there are times when my family members notice, and comment on, my progress. In fact, the same aunt that I saw yesterday, told me over the holidays how well I was doing. I also know that my grandma has noted how much better I’ve been doing. Even with all of this being the case, I still don’t like when my family sees me struggling. I still worry that they think something is wrong with me or that it’s something more than anxiety. I guess I just want them to realize I‘m making progress.

Still, deep down, I know it doesn’t matter what others think. Whether or not people realize that I’m making progress, I am. That goes for all of you. If you’re making progress, nothing anyone thinks can change that. Whether or not someone commends you on how well you’re doing, if you’re doing well, then you are. Be proud of yourself!

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