The Butterfly

Today was horrible, seriously. I went to the doctor’s with a relative and things did NOT go well. My anxiety was incredibly high and my relative was not understanding.

I know I’ve said this a million times before, but I hate going through this. I hate how everything has to be so difficult. I try so hard but I know it must seem to others like I’m not trying at all. I constantly see myself failing to do as well as I would have liked and to be totally honest, it hurts.

I love my relative, I do. I also know how challenging it can be dealing with someone who has anxiety. Hell, it’s hard for me to go through it! I’m often tired of myself! Still though, I don’t find it that ridiculous to hope that someone so close to me would be helpful, patient, and supportive. Is that really too much to ask? Apparently it is.

The doctor and nurse were nice and caring. They told me that there was no pressure and that I needn’t apologize (I apologized like five times per person). I felt horrible and I didn’t want to put my relative and the staff through what I did, but my anxiety was awful!

Afterwards, I was waiting in the car while my relative went into a store. I was listening to music trying to calm myself and vent my frustrations when out of nowhere, I saw a butterfly. This butterfly was beautiful and for a moment, I smiled. There it was, this gorgeous orange butterfly just flying around. The weather was grey and ugly, but it was pretty! I guess what they say is true: even in the darkest of times, you can still find beauty.

I’m not saying that today went well – it didn’t. What I am saying is that there were times that I did okay. Plus, I did get through it. I went to the doctor’s and when you think about it, that counts for something, doesn’t it?

I want to remind everybody that even in difficult times, you’re not a failure. I want to thank Carla for reminding me of this. I know it can be hard when you’re going through something and all you feel like doing is crying to remember how great you are, but it’s true. You’re an amazing person and you can get over your obstacles!

Please don’t give up. Please don’t think you’re a failure just because you struggle. Please don’t let others make you feel like you’re not good enough or like you’re unsuccessful. Think about all of the progress you’ve made and all of the times you’ve been successful!

Thank you to everyone who supports me and all the kind doctors and nurses out there!

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24 thoughts on “The Butterfly

  1. carlalouise89 says:

    Awww, thank you for the shout out! And it’s true what I said – you aren’t a failure. You’re amazing. And you’re brave. AND YOU DID IT AND KICKED ARSE, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS!
    I’m proud of you, B. x

  2. I think your ability to notice the butterfly, to remain in the moment, even for only one moment, speaks to your progress. I can’t imagine what you must be going through, but sharing that moment & speaking to your readers is beautiful.

    Ah, family members. They’re lovely most of the time, really. But, in those moments when they can’t be empathetic cuts like a sharp piece of paper dipped in lemon juice. I’ve had some family members say some truly hurtful things about me due to my “invisible illness” & it’s the worst.

    You don’t know me, I know, but I want to offer an ear for you. I would be more than happy to provide you w/my email or FB info, should you ever want to use it. There’s no pressure to take me up on that offer, of course. But it’s here & I’ll make it again in the future, I’m sure (unless you tell me to stop, which I still won’t take offense at).

    • I want to give you a huge thank you for this comment. It means so much to me and I appreciate your support! Thank you so much for the offer and I might just take you up on it. I don’t like to give out my personal info, but I might just send you an email!

      • You’re most welcome. You’re a wonderful person & deserving of all the support from whatever corners it may come.

        Of course. Privacy is a big deal & I respect that you don’t want to give out personal information. I’ll keep offering, regardless. If my memory’s correct (which it often isn’t… brain’s like Swiss cheese sometimes!), you moderate your comments. If that’s the case, I’ll simply add a reply below this & leave my email address for you to take down.

        Again, I wouldn’t want to make you feel the slightest bit of pressure to go beyond your comfort zone. As I see it, I’m saying: “I’m just going to leave this here & if you take it, great.” 🙂

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